The Not-So-Subtle Analogy: Pineapple Pizza

Some people, such as myself, love pineapple on pizza. I particularly like the long-established "Hawaiian" style pizza, which is toppings of pineapple and ham. I often change it up and do pepperoni and pineapple because I am an absolute fiend for pepperoni. If I get pepperoni AND ham with my pineapple, well I must be celebrating something. Like getting to eat gluten-free meaty pineapple pizza.

Some people are disgusted by the idea of pineapple on pizza. However they can't just accept that some people like it while they do not; they declare that pineapple doesn't belong on pizza at all. They can't just get on with life and allow people to like things. That is the American way, is it not? If you wouldn't do something yourself, then no one else should be allowed to do it.

So I'll settle the pineapple pizza debate once and for all with a simple question: Do tomato foodstuffs belong on pizza? Of course they do. Pizza is traditionally made with tomato sauce, and extra tomatoes (such as sun-dried tomatoes) are often offered as extra toppings.

Did you know that there is a tomato called the Pineapple Tomato? There is also the Pineapple Tomatillo, which is also known as the Ground Cherry. Those are both tomatoes that taste like pineapple. That I like to put on my pizza. I like Pineapple Tomatillos so much that I've grown them in my garden every year since the first time I tasted them. In case you are wondering, that is about six years running. If you eat them fresh (i.e. raw), they taste like tomatoes that have a slight citrus sweetness to them. But if you bake them (i.e. put them on your ham-packed pizza) then they straight-up taste like pineapple. I am growing both of these in my garden this year. It's still May and I've never thought of photographing them before. Hence I just have seed packets and baby plants with which to entice you.

Pineapples are not only acceptable on pizza because people are allowed to like things, but also because you can replicate that flavor with a freaking tomato. Which belong on pizza. Which we'll get whether you like it or not.

Even if you pineapple-hating bastards banned pineapple just to keep them from being used as an ingredient in pizza, I'll just keep putting my Pineapple Tomatoes on my pizzas and you cannot stop me. Because haven't we learned that banning something doesn't work? PINEAPPLE PIZZAS WILL STILL HAPPEN. Even if we can't grow actual pineapples, they'll just happen with backyard organization, with replacement ingredients from our gardens. We will trade tomato and tomatillo seeds with our friends, and they will look like normal tomato plants in our gardens.

You'll have to ban tomatoes completely, and maybe gardens altogether. And then NO ONE will be able to have delicious pizza, at least not in the open. And even then we'll find a way to grow tomatoes. We'll make pizza out of cauliflower crust and toast the rebellion with wine made from our underground rhubarb stores. Then we'll be the only ones having pizza, and you fascists will be calling your burgers "Freedom Burgers" just to make it look like it was what you wanted in the first place. You'll proclaim that only "Libtards" eat pizza, and you never liked it because it was socialist pizza. Which of course, you can choke on.