No Rest for the Weakened

I haven't slept in my own bed since last Tuesday (it is now the following Wednesday). I have not slept more than three hours a night since then either.

It isn't that I haven't been home, and I am not banished from the bedroom by my partner. I've tried every night to sleep in my own bed, but I am in too much pain to sleep. It isn't the bed, it is the contortions that I need to get into to sleep. Most of the time that I end up sleeping elsewhere it is because I don't want to bother my partner with the tossing and turning- and let's face it- flailing. However this time the ridiculous position that seems to help requires that all of my limbs and body be at different elevations and angles, which is near impossible with a large flat surface.

To sleep, I've required a futon in couch position with my limbs as if they were trying to escape my body, like one leg on the floor or the other resting on the backrest. I've required to sleep on my right side only. I've required five pillows: three under my head, two under my torso, with my arm and shoulder falling in the gap between them. I've required a TENS unit (a powerful electric muscle stimulator) running on my back the entire night. I've required a platform for my feet to brace against, which in this case is the futon frame. And I have still only gotten 3 hours maximum at night, and don't think those are consecutive hours.

I've tried resting. I've tried being active. I've tried doing my back exercises. I've tried NSAIDs (non-steroid anti-inflammatories). I don't have any strong painkillers anymore, the US withholds those to the point that many of us with chronic pain are horribly suffering* as if making us writhe is some moral obligation. Well, mission accomplished! I have a physical therapist, but I am unable to drive to get to her. It hardly matters, she schedules more than a week out anyway.

I am too tired to create art. I can't stay still to create art anyway- stillness is agony. I want to sleep. I want my jaw to stop hurting from constant clenching. I want my partner's cat to get some sleep; she is so exhausted from trying to get ME to sleep.

When I was a kid, I read a book by Robin Mckinley (The Hero and the Crown) where the civilization had a God for every aspect of life such as The God Who Climbs Stairs. So it appears I am the God Who is Made of Pain.

My partner's cat tries all night to get me to sleep. I feel bad about that.

* It should be noted that I don't even want to take painkillers on a daily basis. I have long accepted that I will never have the absence of pain. But when my back gets this bad it is maddening that I can't get some kind of relief.