Wonderless

Monk: I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Natalie: Isn't hope a good thing?

Monk: ... you're very young.

       - Monk TV series

Maybe We're Not Made of Star Stuff

I haven't created a single piece of art in nearly a year, and only a few in the months prior. There's been no motivation, no care, no point in making anything. Of course I am still disciplined so I've forced myself to focus and make the attempt, but it is clear that either my health conditions have rendered me inoperable or my situation has eliminated all desire.

There is no want to create beautiful things. The world is ugly. People are ugly. Why bring beauty into an ugly existence? What a cruel thing to do. Cruel to the beautiful to bring it into an ugly world. Cruel to the rest of us to confront the glaring reality that other things could have been beautiful. Instead we may be in the darkest, ugliest timeline.

Autopilot Engaged

It has been difficult to post. I have needed to retreat a bit into my own head recently. It's not necessarily unhealthy, when it's the best action (or inaction) for you at that time. No Little Black Heart, no sleep, no money, intense chronic pain and a brain injury make me a defeated woman.

Friends have been around, getting me out of the house, making me laugh, and generally making me feel like they like me around. So while I've been too down to post- particularly deep thoughts- but I have not been so down that I don't understand that there is life out there when I am able to handle it.

Winnie the Poopy

I never liked Winnie the Pooh. Actually I think I can safely say that it utterly disgusted me from the first time I was shown it as a child. I found it boring, vapid, pointless and as a girl it made absolutely no attempt to include me. I'm not saying I wanted pink or frilly things, I would NEVER have implied such a thing, but I actually had to search the internet to find a female in the show (spoiler: there is only ONE). Even as a youngling, I knew when I wasn't wanted.

I am not saying I had any trouble identifying with male characters- I mean it wasn't like I had a lot of options. I liked superheroes, so I watched a lot of token female characters surrounded by herds of men. But the shows had to have some redeeming value, like being intelligent or fun. Instead Winnie the Pooh went even further in the dumps, when the only token woman was there to be a mother. Well, barf.

You Do You

My first painted self-portrait, about 20 years ago. I was so proud of how I captured myself. The eyes are spot-on. The lips are exactly right. I even got my nose (at the time... it's been broken several times since) and I've always struggled with noses. I couldn't even make them look like noses, let alone the exact nose. And I nailed it. I carefully noted where the sections in my face place shadows, and did a damned fine job with my punky hair.

No Rest for the Weakened

I haven't slept in my own bed since last Tuesday (it is now the following Wednesday). I have not slept more than three hours a night since then either.

There is no art when my sunshine is gone

I've tried to make art in recent months, but when life is awful (when art would have the most meaning) it is nearly impossible to feel like creating. I love you forever Squee, and nothing else will ever be beautiful again.