Wonderless

Monk: I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Natalie: Isn't hope a good thing?

Monk: ... you're very young.

       - Monk TV series



I have been dark and brooding for most of my life. I assure you that most would with my history, and I'm sure intelligence plays a villain in this story too. But I have been sorting through my old artwork lately and learning a lot about myself. I see that while most of my earlier work was predominately black there were very conspicuous elements of beauty and appreciation. Some things were even playful and vibrant while of course being demented in some fashion.

I am building an awareness that being dark and brooding didn't exclude my younger self from seeing that wonder and beauty existed in the world. I knew that non-horrible things were out there, even if they weren't a part of MY life. That knowledge might even have contributed to my darkness- believing in better things but also acutely aware that I did not have access to them.

But recently I have stopped seeing the beautiful elements in life, even from afar.

And I honestly don't know if it's me or the world.

How do I know if I've gotten that far into despair that I can't recognize the wonderful qualities in the world, or if the world is just too fucked to redeem? I worry that I've simply gotten old enough to lose hope. Not just for things to get better, but that they're going to continue to get worse. Not because we can't do anything, but because we won't.

I remember the insurance company Blue Cross Blue Shield stating that anti-depressant use had gone up 33% since the 2016 presidential election. This was around 2017 or 2018, and I remember being incredulous because they phrased it as if they didn't know what caused it. As if women with PTSD weren't hearing constant, permeating news about pussy grabbing and rape. As if women weren't in fear of losing what little body autonomy we had. As if minorities and those with disabilities didn't feel an abject increase in dehuminazation. As if a thousand other cuts weren't coming every day from every direction. As if learning half the nation was cool with it wasn't dreadful and terrifying.

Coincidentally, my life has fallen apart since 2016. It started months before the election, but life's timing is cruel. I wonder if everyone else encountering an existential crisis is too real. Maybe what little exists of happiness for me requires that everyone else is okay, and I am happy vicariously through them. When everyone else is having a shit time, where do I look for beauty that isn't in my life?

If I think deeper about it... I am a true extrovert. I get my energy from other people. When I perform I feed off of the crowd. But I am also an empath, so I also get the flavor of that energy. If people are having a good time, I am having a GREAT time. If people are sad... I'll be working my butt off to cheer them up because it means I am in a very dark place. So I worry. Because either I'm having an escalation to my own darkness... or we are all living in the darkest timeline. And the difference is either terrifying for just me, or all of us. Either way, I am purely wonderless.

"But wait!" you say. Everyone isn't miserable, just hang around the people who are happy!

Think about the people who are happy right now, or who think they are happy. 

 

The Happy

• Multi-millionaires, multi-billionaires...

Think They Are Happy

• People who are stupid enough to think the millionaires are on their side.
• People who are stupid enough to think that being "pro-business" means being "pro-worker." A good example is the coal industry. Trump might support the coal mine owners, but certainly not the coal mine workers.
• People mean enough to not care about what happens to them as long as their perceived enemies are suffering.

I could go on.

After the 2016 election results were announced, a friend I had known for over a decade posted a meme on social media that consisted of a bunch of men with guns. It threatened to shoot all of the liberals now that the conservatives were in charge.

People I had known for many years have been expressing their happiness that finally the hated "libtards" were "crying." Even when the liberals were concerned over the plight of the very people mocking them.

When I was a kid, the main political parties were described as two camps that had different ideas on what is best for the country. I think it was partially true back then. But today, only one political party cares about what happens to this country and the people in it. And the other party consists only of the corrupt and the corruptable. Calling them "deplorable" is fucking charitable.

Listen, I'm not going to party with other demons in order to silence mine. I still don't sleep well at night, but at least I know I have integrity. It's just not pretty. It's pretty fucking dark.