Friends have been around, getting me out of the house, making me laugh, and generally making me feel like they like me around. So while I've been too down to post- particularly deep thoughts- but I have not been so down that I don't understand that there is life out there when I am able to handle it.
Regardless of how well or poor I seem to be doing, for the most part I haven't been able to create art in almost six months. Even then, it was only a couple of time: forcing myself to pay tribute to my darling departed, desperately trying to get myself out of the house, and trying to find hope or something to inspire me to care about something. But I feel that the truth is that I am too sad to create anything, and I have lost the belief that there is a point in trying.
There is another possibility. It was the right side of my brain that was damaged. That is supposed to be the side of the brain that works with creativity. There were some definite problems from minute one. Aside from the weakness and numbness with the left side of my body, the terribleness of losing partial use of my left eye (which by the way is JUST FANTASTIC for those who like driving, art, and not bumping into everything), and the frequent confusion/dizziness, I have had some less severe but otherwise interesting problems.
For instance, I used to like to put my hair in braided ponytails. I can no longer manage a braid on the right side of my head. I was sure it is due to the loss in function of my left hand, but there are no other coordination problems that are this pronounced. Brushing my teeth with my left hand is nearly impossible (I used to be ambidextrous); I can't seem to produce a brushing motion. If brushing was jabbing at my teeth randomly, then I would rock at it. I can handle typing... though admittedly with more typos on that left side. I can take my bra on and off. I can tie my shoes. But even a single braid in the back of my head is nearly impossible, and a braid on the right looks suspiciously like a plain messy ponytail. I've been using my left hand a lot to try to retrain it to be useful, but I'm about ready to cut off the rest of my hair and forget it. And I fortunately have a right hand to brush my teeth.
Writing these blog posts has been helping my brain with words and organization, but perhaps I need to find an activity that helps re-wire the right side of my brain. Unfortunately "just start creating" doesn't seem to help. First of all, I remember wanting to create art, but I just don't care right now. It's not a matter of needing motivation or discipline (more on that in a later post). I just don't know if I identify as someone who creates art anymore. I was hoping that these posts would bring it back, but... it is like hearing some "psychic" wingnut telling me what I used to do in a past life.
I tried carrying around my sketchbook. Nothing. I could never pick anything to draw. I tried one of those art idea books that tell you what to draw so you don't have to think. That worked a little, but only for a while. I haven't been able to pick it up in months.
A few years ago my partner bought me this Buddha Board. It is essentially a flat pale rock that you draw on with water. While it is wet, you see the image. When it dries the image goes away. Simple. But its main drawback (*rimshot*) is the same as its usefulness- you don't get to keep what you create. So if you decide to use something like this product, make sure that you have your camera or cell phone nearby. Your drawn image can disappear in minutes.
That is what I am going to try next. Keep that on me and put my brain on autopilot. Any time I am stuck in one place I am going to try to spin a brush around. I won't put any pressure on myself about it. I won't even call it art. I will just doodle and see if it brings anything back. Maybe my left hand will give it a go.
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